My friend

December 18, 2024

Recently, my friend died. I met him through the pool hall because he would come in to play league every week. I only saw him on those Mondays for those couple of months but we bonded quick. He took me to a range and taught me how to shoot my first gun. I still have one of the bullets in my purse. I have "Dwayne" our target hung up in my room. A few months later he didn't show up on Monday and I thought he was just busy. Never saw him again and it just. fucking sucks. I really, really regret not saying yes more when he asked to hang out. Or not having more "last" cigarettes together before we went home. He spoke crazy fast. He drank Guinness. He always had a dirty joke to tell. Miss ya dude.

Searching for God

April 12, 2024

I honestly drgaf about LSD and the Search for God but Angel and my sisters wanted to go because they're shoegazers. The venue had the most ass sound system; someone wanted the reverb cranked all the way up and the band was so loud that the vocals were entirely drowned out. Sidenote the lead singer looked like the long lost brother of a regular at work. I told him about it and he looked so happy. I loved the opener Jjuujjuu but came to find out they have a grand total of 8 songs on streaming -_-

Mike is 60

April 7, 2024

Shiva invited me to his friend Mike's birthday party. More context on Shiva: he plays pool, he's my work bestie, he is a 64(?) year old Sri Lankan man, he's a gambling addict and a blow fiend, he's the insane uncle I never had. Walking into Mike's house two things are evident: 1. This guy has taste 2. This guy has the money to fund his tastes. Absolutely beautiful cottage style exterior with a 100-something year old oak in the backyard and inside there's beautiful dark oak everywhere and a piano from the early 18th century that was a big star in the local music scene. And wow, the bathroom, I was agape.
Mike's sons are in a jazz band and they performed a set that was seriously bonkers. I was pretty intimidated walking in because everyone had at least 40 years on me and they were all cool and eccentric and classy. But thanks to a few white claws and some blow I soon loosened up. I conversed, I danced with the band, I danced with Mike, and I went home. Was a fun night.
Not gonna upload pics of the inside of a person's house that's weird.

Moving Day

March 8, 2024

Made the trek up to [place of former schooling and residence] with Babygirl to move the last of my stuff out. Or what I thought was the last of my stuff... I would be proven wrong a few months later. I showed her around downtown, got some poke nachos, thrifted a bit, introduced her to my roommates. Babygirl really liked the vibe of [school's town] and was like "Should I apply here? lol". And I love you but if you moved more than a mile away from me I would kill you and then myself. My favorite thing to do there was take a walk at sunset to this neighborhood full of cats and hang out with them until it got dark. I took her and we had a ball.
I spent what I think was the most depressed and lonely period of my life here but somehow I'm still nostalgic of it. Not of the bright and beautiful parts but the ones that were hurting and horrible. I used to go on walks in the middle of the night and just hope that...

Balls and Shafts

March-August, 2024

In retrospect I wish I journaled more during this time because it would've been a trip seeing how green and bright-eyed I was compared to the haggard creature I've become. That sounds so ominous but - you'll see. I stopped updating my site for (heh...) five months because I've been... consumed... subsumed... masticated and swallowed... by the world of pool.

In March I got a job at a pool hall, totally random online listing; it was either here, the bingo place across the street, or Din Tai Fung. And really I'm so grateful to past me for choosing right. Typical things: interview was norms, training was chill, then started working like a big girl all by myself. I started shooting pool a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like end an 8 hour shift and stay for 5 hours after. And I've had a lot of teachers (quality of instruction varied greatly). And I started getting to know regulars and coworkers. I've met a lot of really great/fun/cool/weird people from seriously all walks of life. For fear of sounding too superior I won't say I don't relate to people my age, it's just that I don't find many of them interesting. I just... really enjoy hanging out with crazily different kinds of people (though everyone is above 25 and 95% are guys). (And actually yeah my big gripe about pool is that there's so few women.)

Quick aside: I didn't consider myself attractive until about a year ago, but wow working at a pool hall has inflated my ego to a point it's a little concerning. Ohohoho there are indeed a few perks that come with being young and pretty. And YES I know about that double-edged sword and YES I did have a brief crisis over it a few months ago.

Anyways I have a lot of people I can genuinely call my friends now, quality real steel friends. But that's not what's really important. When it comes down to it... can I play pool? The answer is... complicated.

Between the Walls

March 1st, 2024

Another punk show... getting a taste of the scene, and in this case getting a case of the extremes. Angel asked if I wanted to go to another show since I dug the first so much - of course I said yes. I brought along my little sister (many know her as Baby) because she's kinda sorta I suppose alt-ish.

To set the scene: Baby and I emerge from the underground parking, slight drizzle, piss smell but very typical for the area. We turn and walk into the venue, which is an art gallery, not DIY, and actual one... hm. Where the hell are the amps and the fifteen year olds throwing haymakers at each other. We follow the signs leading down a corridor, open a huge industrial looking door, and voila.

Just a huge empty room, barren, black curtains. I swear it felt like we were lab rats in some sort of hypnoaudioaggro experiment. And it was a fun time. Bands were awesome and the guys were just whaling on each other in the pit.

Most surreal part of the night was in between sets when everyone would rush out for a smoke, there'd just be a shitton of these hella edgy looking kids milling around in a downtown art gallery amongst the "cultured". Like, the contrast was so stark it would be too on the nose as a joke.

Also I experienced an ultimate sister betrayal from Baby but I shall not speak of that (fucking bitch).

Kurt Salinas, But I'm so Sweet & Tasty. 2023

My favorite piece in the gallery

Chúc Mừng Năm Mới!

Februrary 12th, 2024

Chinese new years weekend... go!
Friday:
Angel and I went to an electronic show in SF and no not Illenium or EDC but the shit they play to CIA captives to make them go insane. I physically can't listen to whatever genre this is sober and/or alone in my room but buzzed and in a sweaty crowd it's so fun! It was my first time going to anything like this but now I should keep an eye out for events. And really I was only slightly buzzed for most of the night (although I got my poppers cherry popped! Yipeeee!) but it was still awesome. I love to dance and I love to be apart of Movement. Watching people (many of them strange looking) completely immersed in themselves and moving to the music (really funny seeing everyone jumping up and down but completely out of sync). The last set was nonstop bangers and Angel and I were just /in it/ (with the assistance of [redacted]).

Saturday:
Rest. For once CNY fell on a weekend so my mom and I just knew it would be wall to wall packed and honestly we didn't want to deal with the parking, especially walking in my nine inch heels. Though I wish I wore ao dai this year.

Sunday: Another show but this time it was punk... think the term is HXC and I went with Angel and her friend Mori. Another very drastic first for me, big leaps! This show was even better! In the thick of the crowd you just get shoved around and pummeled to no end and there's sweaty white guys with long hair crushing you. I got kicked in the legs, I got nearly trampled, I got kicked in the face, my top (wholly held together by a combination of string and safety pins) popped open, I stage dove (many times), no idea what the lyrics were but I screamed along anyways.

Monday:
A quiet day of chua hopping with my mom. Took lots of cutie pictures of her, prayed, ate chua food - yummers, went to the cemetery, prayed, looked at old gravestones with her.

Yesterday Haze

Februrary 3rd, 2024

If there's one thing I didn't know I needed to check off my bucketlist, it's going to the three story Applebee's at the wharf.
Backtracking... I hang out with Mimi and her wife a lot and it's made me come to a realization: I love being a third wheel. I get to enjoy all the tralala and teehee of love while staying at arms reach; it's an ideal situation for me honestly. Actually an ideal situation is to be in a throuple except I don't engage in the couple-ing nor the coupling. Ok so went to sf with the wife to pick up Mimi, then sandwich, perfume, ciggy, sex shop to see a vibrator museum (to my dismay it was more literal vibrators than the fun kind), and the wharf. My god do I love the Musée Mécanique. There's no other place that encapsulates my soul as well as it (only thing I would add is a smoke shop in the backroom).
I love Applebee's I don't CARE what anyone says. 2 for 25 with a like $7 cocktail the size of a fishbowl cmon man. And yes I nearly got sloshed. The view was beautiful. It's raining and the streets are empty and the lights are reflecting every way and we're sitting above the huge ass Applebee's sign. And then we trekked that long long road to the pier. Keep in mind the rain's falling harder and I'm in half-broken Mary Janes and a dress. And we get the the pier and there's that horribly beautiful roar of the ocean. Just thunderous like you wouldn't believe. It's freezing and wet and no one's around but the lights are still brilliant and it's like walking through Disneyland in a dream. And the people that pass by I'm asking them Are you real? Are you real? Are you real?

The Phantom Rickshaw

Janurary 27th, 2024

Been doing a lot of antiquing lately now that I finally know where to go. Against my better judgement - who am I kidding I was totally down - I bought not one but two porno mags. One day I'll have big boy money to buy all the crazy shit I want, like a loveseat... or a gun. I think growing up in the tech mecca has come to make me disdain anything new and shiny. Something in me wants roots deep in the ground. I want ancestors who touched this soil and to have a necklace my great great grandmother wore. I remember being a kid at the cemetery and seeing tombstones from the 1800s and just aching.

A stone's throw

December 2023

December was largely spent with my scattered friends. Honestly I missed them so much I was dreading the days they left. Got covid. Recovered. A lot of days passed with Yuuri, lot of bars, freezing movie dates (ew), a quick jaunt around a museum - standing at the Gates of Hell, a really impressive Tom Ford salesman, and of course some crossdressing. Puzzlemania has hit the twin towers i.e. Kay and I. And we're together again and I love her. I long awaited Killua reunion. A long awaited CAKE, a singing CAKE - well I already knew but karaoke is fucking killer. And I love them. I wish I could take a snapshot of us together in school and now, and print them both out on vellum and overlay them. Hold it up to the light.

But at that moment I felt such warmth.

Nov 29th, 2023

Today was a girls' trip. K told me she has a friend (A) that reminds her a lot of me so we all had a little outing together. This could've gone one of two ways: we get along well and can jib jab about all the lovely likes we share, or it turns into a Black Swan/Hegel moment and we try to kill each other with mirror shards until the victor stands triumphant over the prone form of the other. Heh thankfully it was the former. I think I'm the black swan to her white; I'm a bit more mean and blunt whereas she's very sweet. We bought snacks and cigs (Marlboro reds), browsed (admired some fetuses, fetusi?), watched Fallen Angels (Wong Kar Wai loves his crazy bitches), and ate Pakistani food. Grateful for being able to hang out with K again it's been a long time. Props to A for being a real trooper in her big ass car driving around SF TT. And YES I am a neener neener outfit repeater!!!!

Chews: Mango Tajin and peachrings

Merry Tidings

Nov 26th, 2023

Another day of adventure: Holiday Edition. Why is it when I rush my makeup my base turns out perfect -_- . Himi and the wife picked me up so we could go thrifting and CITP. I must say I pulled a last minute killer outfit out of my ass (we will not acknowledge the shoes).
I swiped some accessories. There was this really tempting …wall decor? but I had to pass. And this stylish old lady said she loved my outfit (and she said it in a very flattering way why thank you).
Went to CITP, got some choco, and explored. I felt very holiday Barbie all dressed up but the stares got uncomfortable after awhile. And I was fucking freezing. I bumped into a woman and she turned to me and paused and said I was beautiful and her friends were complimenting my dress. And this loser looking skater guy was staring me down all coomer-like and said I was beautiful; I would’ve been flattered if he was less fucking awkward about it TT. It’s a little too early for CITP so the festive atmosphere isn’t in the air yet but it was a nice throwback.

Word: Angel

Pared Persimmon for Puppy

Nov 25th, 2023

Today was a day to catch up with old friends. Had dimmy with T and boba that was 70% pearls -_- . We went on a thrift store crawl while we waited for everyone else. Christ curated stores are fucking expensive. I prefer to shift through shit for a good deal I’m a pro shit shifter. I get that you’re paying extra for people to pick the clothes for you but that’s limiting your personal style no? Like the main artistic merit of thrifting is that it forces you buy for you and not for trends.
We hung out at E’s after and played with his pitiful, pathetic dog. And K and C were ready so we pregamed and had hotpot yummers. Honestly drinking and hotpot don’t mix: face burning up, overstimulated from the noise, alc makes my appetite wobbly. Either way it was fun to see everybody together again :P.
Went back to E’s and did my costco puzzle. Amazing quality btw 10/10 recommend. I hate puzzles with lots of empty sameness but this one was packed side to side with goodies.
To finish the night E and I watched FNAF in his car. I’ll post the mini review here: It’s ironic how the one horror movie that won’t be ragged on for using “cheap” jump scares because that’s literally the premise of the franchise … doesn’t have good jump scares. The plot was tight and cohesive, my big caveat being that William’s motivations as a villain weren’t explained AT ALL. I know the fans were already waiting for him to show up but from a critics perspective it’s a huge plot hole. Good child actors, especially the blond kid. Animatronics were…almost scary. Bonnie is sexy… is Bonnie a shota since he has the soul of a kid?

Word: Catamite

Like a Bat out of Hell

Nov 23th, 2023

Unexpected turn to my Thanksgiving. After the required family party E picked me up to do our bestie things. It was funny how our night swung to such different sides of the spectrum. First we got boba at [redacted], a bastion for the Asian youth and really experienced the culture of our people. And after I was like ….wait we can drink legally now and I chose this local dive bar. We walked in and there were a bunch of grizzled men and tattoos and a butch lesbian. And there was someone singing metal karaoke. The thought only occurred to me when I got home but it was very Deancore (eheheh). We scurried to the back like little mice; it was evident we didn’t fit in. I ended up summoning the courage to order a drink (kinda, I needed a lot of help) and do karaoke (Good Times, Bad times - Zeppelin).
Crazy funny how we didn’t get carded once even though we looked hella nervous and I literally had to ask a guy how to order a drink (he paid for me yay). It was probably some kind of reverse psychology: no one underage would act so blatantly lost; I’m pretty sure if we weren’t legal and tried to act like we knew what we were doing we would’ve been carded immediately. E was too pussy to sing with me but I sang a duet with a friend I made. I am honestly so great at making friends in these kind of settings. It helps that I’m a pretty (enough) girl but I like to think I bring a good dose of charisma to the table.
Compared to the downtown club/bar scene the crowd at the dive bar felt very close knit and welcoming I fucked with it.
Although… times like these I really wish I were a boy. Being a friendly girl really opens a lot of doors for me but I hate having the romantic/sexual aspect of male interactions looming over me. Like fuck I just want to be friends. At this point I’m good at ignoring it so I can have a fun time but there’s still that threat of coldness and to a scarier extent violence at the back of my head.
Either way it was a fun night. It was like when Spongebob and Patrick were trying to get into the Salty Spitoon when they should've been at Weenie Hut Jr's. I might come back again I feel like in a lot of ways that scene would suit me more than the clubbing scene.

Drink: Vodka Sour

Femboy Faraoh

Nov 19th, 2023

Had to beg and plead with my sister to come to the museum with me. We had enough time to get through all the exhibits (small place) but none for the garden. And her delicate ass was so hungry we had to leave for food. I'll just have to go again. Haven't been here since high school, and haven't actually been inside since elementary maybe. I mostly go to art museums so nothing is older than say... the 1800s, so being up close and personal with artifacts from like 5,000 years ago was pretty mind bending. They added another mummy since I was there last. I would hate to be an ancient Egyptian noblewoman and spent all this time and money on my tomb, only to be put on display and gawked at for eternity in an airconditioned glass box. And here I will perpetual the gawkage by putting a picture in this entry:

Also we both had on ludicrously clacky shoes so we were tiptoeing the whole time. What we sacrifice for style...

To finish the day we had sushi and she had a matcha smoothie.

Pharaoh: Akhenaten

The Hen in the Holly

Nov 14th, 2023

A thrift trip today. This time to the far away land of [redacted] for their Savers. When the Savers closed in my city it was like when those coal mining towns slowly decay. The general store closes, unable to compete with the Walmart 30 miles down the mountain road. Old folks living off pittances of pensions, swaying and creaming on their porches. The young move away to the concrete crystal metropolises on the coasts while their fathers keep toiling away under the silt and rock. Where it’s dark and dark and dark and dark…. That happened metaphorically to me.
Anyways the prices were insane and weirdly inconsistent. But I picked up a few gems that will be updated in the Dollhouse. I was peer pressured into buying things I really wanted. No matter, I can punish myself now. I consider it self-flagellation - oh that’s hilarious when you google self-flagellation the first result is a crisis hotline. Imagine picking up the phone to counsel some monk in an abbey on the Argentinian mountainside. Hm the image of SF is pretty erotic… but only done in private and seen through kind of a vouyeristic lens. If it’s in public I’d be like jeez get a load of this guy. Anyways… got a really cute asymmetrical lace skirt, boho sweater, and fur mini coat. And my trinkets of course. I didn’t even glance at the book aisles I knew I wouldn’t have the strength.
Turns out Himi’s been betraying me for a long time… need to send her to AA.
Gay people are insane and evil.
Need to try out transformers porn again.

Word: Portcullis

I Know You

Nov 8th, 2023

I went to see Faye Webster with my sister tonight. I'm not fan per se but I knew a good amount of songs and it's never a bad time to enjoy a show. The traffic was absolute hell getting there but so clean and breezy going back. I'll never get over how beautiful that theatre is and the crowd was filled with beautiful girls too. I've started to notice that venue staff have the best customer service, every time each worker has been so kind and congenial.
In other news... hm... I've been feeling myself retreating. I lot of days it feels like body is weighed down with rocks. (I had this idea of a torture method where the victim is laid over a metal grate and gets gradually pressed down through it, like those kitchen contraptions people cut onions with. If its a communal punishment then some flat surface can be laid over them and people can toss stones on top. And there'd have to be an "executioner" to arrange the stones so the weight is distributed equally. Or a press would be set over them and people can pay a fee for it to lower further and further.)
This scene keeps playing in my head where I'm laying in a clam shell and it slowly closes over me and I'm viewing over this omnisciently like a dream. I want to be shiny again.

Word: Cruelty

That was not coke

Oct 30, 2023

Halloweekend update~ Went out with Himimi and her boywife to go and bar and things and I fucking forgot my ID Himi + wife if you read this I'm sorryyy. Anyways sometimes I really do doubt myself but no I am extremely alluring and beautiful (drunk me at least) and men desire me...carnally. And so many pretty girls to talk to which is always a boon for me.
Will recount the rest of the night in snapshots: Moscow Mule, Julius Caesar, PSA - Don't do ketamine for the love of god, Red 40 vomit, free Tacobell. Also I was a kid's ladybug costume from goodwill. It's quite shameful actually - every year I'm very adamant about diying my costume but I just couldn't bring forth the motivation this year ://

Cutest couple: Maid and Butler
Word: Exigency

Body and the Blood

Oct 7, 2023

Today and yesterday was the book sale. Got held captive by the clerk but he also started my Faulkner journey. GGM and Cormac McCarthy? How could I resist his alluring pull. And this whole time I've been avoiding him, in part bc of his association with Hemingway. Woe is me tho got there too late and missed the Faulkner collections I saw yesterday. People were lugging books by the crate into their cars I had a heart attack.

Stood on the wayside while drama was sorted, got a moderate shitfull of books, and had 1/2 a boba and popcorn - in conclusion a good day.

Movie: The Exorcist Believer
Word: Portmanteau

Clawde Comes Calling

Oct 6, 2023

There's a cat that's been coming to our balcony. I named him Clawde... bit of a poor decision since I already named my friend's animorphic thingy Clawdius. He likes to come and let out this really plaintive meow. Like "meeeeaaaho".

Sometimes at night I want to walk all the way out to the fields and stay still and quiet until morning.

A lot of what I've been reading is centered on retrospect - of memory and archives and looking back and bringing those things forward to you. Walking into the room after the gun went off. I don't have anything particularly profound to say, I just love how history and memory turn into this mangled mess through time, over millenia or a few years it doesn't matter.

Favorite Word: Sibilance

Beginnings

Oct 4, 2023

For a while I've wanted to make a site to curate all my knicks and knacks. The catalyst was fiddling with my laptop settings and now it's running near lightspeed. Though actually coding everything is going glacier because I'm just so damn indecisive. Ironically I'm struggling more with idea than execution.

Favorite Word: Ormolu